Talking to your child about the use of donor eggs may make you nervous. You may worry about how to approach them and tell them the story - and because of this, many parents may want to delay the conversation or avoid it completely. However, having these conversations can nurture openness and trust. Although it’s your family, and you get to decide when and if to tell your story, research has shown that having thoughtful and open conversations about their conception story is largely beneficial.
Why is telling your child about their donor conception story important?
First, your child needs to be aware of their genetics and history. It’s important for them to have accurate medical information as they grow older. But perhaps from an even more important and emotional angle - having the conversation encourages honesty and trust in your relationship. Finding out from someone else, or a DNA test, may cause trauma and anxiety in the child if they are not aware of their conception story.
You may not be able to predict your child’s reaction to this knowledge, but research shows most parents do not regret sharing their story with their child. Some parents have even reported having stronger relationships with their children after disclosing that they were conceived via egg donation.
How to talk to your child about donor conception
Naturally, every family chooses what feels right for them, but there are helpful dos and don’ts that can help guide you through the process.
Let them know how loved they are
It’s important to reinforce how deeply loved and wanted the child is, and that their conception story does not change that. Remind them of their importance, and that an entire team of people came together to bring them into existence.
Tell them early and gradually
The conversation is a process in itself. Start when your child is young and aim to grow the story over time, adding more details as their comprehension skills increase. With this approach, the conception story becomes a process that organically unfolds over time instead of a formal announcement. Early disclosure may lower stress, anxiety and risk of depression.
Use age-appropriate language
For young children, keep it simple and concrete. Abstract thinking does not develop until early adolescence. As they grow, share more details about genetics and the donor’s role in a thoughtful way.
Helpful Resources: The Donor Conception Network has age-grouped booklets to help guide you through telling and talking to your child(ren) about donor conception, filled with quotes from experienced parents.
Get comfortable with talking about it
Bring up the topic naturally when the chance arises. For example, if you notice your child shows an interest in an activity or topic that the egg donor also shares a love for, you can share with the child this similarity. This encourages a relaxed relationship with the egg donor.
Expect and encourage questions
Children are naturally curious, so expect and encourage your child to ask questions. You can choose how much information to give to them in response to their questions, and they will likely move on fairly quickly after you’ve engaged them.
Don’t hesitate to seek help!
Consider counseling or support groups if you feel that they can be of help navigating talking about donor conception with your child. Below, we have listed some resources that shares insights from other parents and experiences from donor-conceived people to help broaden your perspective;
At the end of the day, how you choose to disclose the information to your child is up to you - there is no right or wrong. You want to normalize your child’s birth story and you want to differentiate the donor from the parent. Lastly, remind your child that they are loved and how much kindness and generosity went into bringing them into the world.
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